Photos of our wedding day in Hawaii nearly fifteen years ago.
Want to know a sure-fire way to be able to tell if you're married to the right person? Check the name on the marriage certificate. I remember John Piper saying this once and it has stuck with me ever since. It's just a fresh way of saying, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." Love isn't always a feeling; it's a commitment.
Marriage is a promise to another and to God to love and serve that person for the rest of your life; in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. Let's learn some ways to strengthen the holy marriage union so you can experience more of the good and learn to grow through the bad.
The two of you can GO through the bad times or you can GROW through them.
Wedding Anniversary
Earlier this month we celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe we have been married for over a decade and together for fourteen years now; time sure has flown by! We've experienced some magical highs but we have also walked hand in hand through some fiery trials. The good times are amazing but I believe it's the valleys that teach us the most important life lessons and mold us into better Christians.
"Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17
1. Make Time Together a Priority
What are priorities? They're things in our life that are important to us and we commit our time to. Make sure your spouse is one of those things. Too many couples make the mistake of spending all of their free time doing their own hobbies or hanging out with their friends. Start a new hobby together or take an interest in one of your spouses.
Our lives are so busy nowadays. We barely have time to stop and wave at a neighbor. We live in an incredible time where we have some of the most amazing time-saving devices yet we find ourselves drowning in busyness. No longer do we have to spend our days doing strenuous manual labor to accomplish a task. We have washing machines and dryers, there is an automatic dishwasher and cars that get us from Point A to Point B.
However, we have found time to fill every waking second with something to be busy with. Work, children, Netflix, social media, chores.. the list goes on and on. A good marriage takes a lot of work. Work takes time. Make sure you're investing quality time with each other and into your marriage.
What that looks like will differ greatly from couple to couple but take some time together to figure out what will work best for you and your man. A lot of people will tell you to make a weekly date night and I think that's fantastic, however, make sure you're finding time to connect a little each day, not just once a week.
Tip: I appreciate when my husband asks me at the end of the day if there is anything on my heart that I'd like to share.
2. Find Out Your Love Language
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love--that's the challenge. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a practical and insightful book that will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner.
In this book, you'll discover how to keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the conflicts, demands and just plain boredom of everyday life!
What makes you feel most loved? Is it hearing a sweet compliment and words of affirmation from your significant other? Is it spending time together or perhaps receiving a gift? Maybe you're like me and totally feel the love when someone does something for you.. you know, by checking something off your to-do list.
If you don't already know you and your partners love language then this book will change your life. Don't like to read? Listen to it on CD here. The majority of the time we give love in the way that we like to receive it but if your love language is different than your partners (and almost everyone is different, hello, opposites attract), then your partner won't be feeling the love.
Find out your love languages and get your tank off of empty. Fill your tank with love!
3. Communication
Do it. Do it nicely and do it often. Communication is key to success. Whether you're running a multi-billion dollar business, trying to close a real estate transaction or want a successful and loving marriage, they key is effective communication. Note: I said effective communication, not hurling obscenities, dropping by to just dump your baggage or the usual culprit: holding everything in until you explode or shut down. Make sure everyone is on the same page, encouraged and ready to play ball.
Don't like the way she makes the coffee? Tell her.
This was some of the best marriage advice we were ever given. It means don't sweep stuff under the rug. Don't bottle every annoyance and grievance up until you can't take it anymore and explode in a fit of anger. Just tell him, nicely, "Honey, I prefer one scoop of sugar and not two." ;-)
4. Fight Fair
Even happy couples argue. You're not going to love every single second of living with another human being. It's not always easy to see past minor annoyances. Your nerves will get worked and your patience will dry up. There will be disagreements. Hey, newlyweds, you hear me in the back? Let me repeat: there will be disagreements and conflict in your marriage. The deal breaker won't be about the conflict, it'll be how you both feel after the conflict is over.
Did you win the argument? Then you both lose. In a healthy marriage, one person cannot win at the expense of the other, otherwise you'll just have a sad and bitter relationship.
You are a team. If one of you wins, the other loses.
During a disagreement try to remain calm. If you can't keep from raising your voice then take a breather and collect yourself. Then, come together at a later time to discuss it. Try not to use big conflict words like always and never.
You NEVER take out the trash. You ALWAYS make me late.
People take offense to language like this and it's super easy to exaggerate when we're upset. Of course, make sure to leave out the name calling and dredging up past arguments into the current one. It never helps. Trust me.
5. Don't Expect Your Partner To Make You Happy
This is a big one. Now, don't get me wrong before I even get going. Should your partner strive to make you happy? Totally. Should your partner avoid going out of their way to make you unhappy? He better. This isn't what I'm talking about. I'm speaking to those that are sitting around moping and throwing themselves a pity party because their partner didn't read their minds and perform perfectly.
What I'm speaking to is the fact that happiness is only something you can decide for yourself. When you're in that funk or feeling depression weigh you down, you've got to pull yourselves up by your bootstraps. Don't blame others. You CANNOT change another human. Women, it is not your role to change your man into a better person. It is Gods. So, go ahead and lay that burden down.
You have to choose happiness. You cannot live your life waiting on others to make you happy.
Choose to live your life in joyful submission to the Lord and to your husband and shower him with plenty of grace. "But what if my husband isn't saved?"
"For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.." 1 Cor 4:17
Pray for each other daily. Pray powerful prayers. Cry out to the Lord and take refuge in Him. He alone is our salvation and source of joy. Which brings me to number 6..
6. Pray Together
You can strengthen the bond of your marriage by praying together. Oftentimes we pray for each other but we don't pray together. Prayer is a great way to seek God's wisdom and as you pray, unity and strength is built into the marriage through your daily discipline. Not sure how to get started? Simply share your desire to pray for your spouse. Invite your spouse to pray alongside you but be sensitive to any feelings of spiritual inadequacy he may have.
"The couple that prays together stays together."
One of the main reasons couples do not pray together is lack of time. I suggest scheduling a time to pray together. At our house we have nightly devotions as a family and we close with a prayer. There is no forgetting to pray together because this is a part of our daily routine.
That's it! I hope you enjoyed these seemingly small but extremely powerful tips. If this is all a little overwhelming for you then let me encourage you to select one of these and apply it to your marriage today. Then, next week implement another. I guarantee your marriage will grow stronger and blossom even more by utilizing these six tips!
~Crissy
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